Monday, January 30, 2012

"So when are you going to have more kids?"

 or "Are you wanting/planning more kids?"

or "Don't you think it's time to have another baby?"

These are all questions I've been asked quite a few times these past few months and all asked with good intentions I'm sure. But I'm here to tell you today that these kids of questions just don't need to be asked. For one it really is no ones business but the couples and second you really have no idea what is going on in that couple's lives. These kind of questions can hurt.

Take Chris and Amanda for instance. They adopted a beautiful baby girl this year and Amanda has just stared a blog telling their story. Most people in their lives had no idea the pain Amanda was going through in her journey to become a mother.

Or my friend Brittany. She wanted a baby. She prayed for a baby. We all prayed for a baby and each month when it didn't happen she was terribly disappointed and heartbroken. How do you think she felt when people kept asking her those questions?

Before we got married Geoff and I agreed that we would let the Lord plan our family. We believe that HE is the giver of life and HE is the one to open and close the womb. He knows us better than we know ourselves plus He has the ability to see our future so He would know the best time to give us a baby. Who am I to think I know better than our almighty, loving and gracious God? And that's what I would be doing if I told God "Now is not a good time to have a baby." That's what it's all about really. Control. WE want to be in control. WE think we know what's best.

So when i get asked those questions about having more kids you'll probably get the answer "Yes, when God sends us more kids we'll be happy!" I just don't want to go into the long story of how I've been pregnant five times but we only have two little boys.

Just before Christmas this year we found out we were expecting a baby! We were thrilled! Elijah had been praying for a baby and here was the answer to that prayer! How cool! I even took a gender predictor test and it said it was a girl, confirming what I had already felt. I was looking forward to sharing the news on here and telling you that come August there'd be another little Gill. But even though everything seemed to be going well something held me back. Maybe it was our two past miscarriages that cautioned me to wait till 12 weeks when the risk of miscarriage drops significantly.

At 10 weeks we couldn't hear the babies heart beat which isn't totally abnormal but then last night we lost the baby. We're ok. It's comforting to know that the Lord knew this was coming. He allowed it to pass through His loving hands and onto us for a reason. We can trust Him.

I'm sharing all this to say I think we need to be a little more sensetive about the questions we ask. Just remember we don't know exactly what others are going through.

Oh and while we are on the subject of inaporpriate comments/questions here's a great post from the Tribal Wife about chubby babies. You'll love her blog, she's a wife, mother, missionary and blogger living in Papua New Guinea.


The Life of Susan said...

so sorry for your loss melissa. thanks for sharing with us. praying for you! xoxo

Carrie said...

I'm very sorry for your loss!

And, I agree with you about the incessant questions. As a Mom of many, I get questions on both sides of the spectrum.

Becky K. said...


I am so sorry. Your heart surely hurts. May God wrap His arms around you and your dear family.


Neha said...

Really sad and sorry to hear that. Wish I could hug you and be with you. Though my prayers and love will always be there.

Lots of hugs and prayers. Be strong. God is with you :)

KarenLana said...

Love you, friend, and we are so sorry.
Hugs and prayers always.

Jillian said...

I'm so sorry :( prayers and hugs for you friend!

BARBIE said...

Melissa, I am so sorry for your loss. May God hold you all close during this time. And I agree. People need to be more sensitive with their questions. They just do not know what people may be walking through.

Jess Judkins said...

Oh melissa...praying for your heart right now.

Melissa G. said...

Thanks ladies! You all are the best.

Nikki said...

Oh, Melissa. Words can't express how I'm feeling for you right now. So thankful you know who to lean on when the doubt of the unknown creeps in

And so true. . .we should start caring for people in the present. Not push them into thinking about a future yet unknown. Who are we to think we know what's best.

So thankful you stopped by via the lovely Barbie so I can "meet" you and pray for you this day!

Justine said...

So sorry for your loss. We miscarried a baby a year and a half ago after struggling to get pregnant for over a year. We also are letting God decide our family size, and it was so painful when people would ask us "when" we were going to have a baby. Our response is always "Whenever God decides to bless us."

Sonya said...

So sorry for your loss. I'm visiting from Brittany's blog and that question has always bothered me! We don't have kids yet and right now we don't get that question because of our current situation we have made it very clear that kids aren't a part of our plan right now. But when I would get asked it would make me so mad! Having a friend and SIL that were struggling to get pregnant made me bristle at that question. For all they knew we may have been having trouble but weren't sharing that. It is a question I never ask because it's absolutely not my business.

Crystal said...

I cried then & am tearing up again as I read this. you shared this so well. My heart aches for you. You will continue to be in my prayers! love you!

Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? said...

I have no words for your loss. I know it all too well.

Praying that God brings you peace (which it seems He has) and blesses you in ways only he can.

(And, the questions, too, I totally get it, and let me tell you, some people have had the wrath of me when I wasn't able to take it anymore.)